


How Is This My Life?

by TheAdorkablePipsqueek



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Drabble Collection, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Modern Girl in Thedas, Random & Short, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:55:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29934414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAdorkablePipsqueek/pseuds/TheAdorkablePipsqueek
Summary: How is someone supposed to survive Thedas as a vulpix? No really, I have no idea. I’m open to any and all suggestions that don’t include death or pain of any kind. Now would be a great time for some one to pop out and claim godhood because I’m down to convert if I could get a how to guide for idiots on surviving bullshit. One soul for a cheat guide please and thank you.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	1. Really Hope I wake Up Soon

Two weeks into my newest adventure and I can no longer say for sure whether this is a dream or not. On the one hand, this would not be the first dream where I took on the form of the oh so adorable alolan vulpix. On the other one, the stinging pain of a bruise on my poor little paw convincingly argued that the former hand was a dirty liar who lies. Teaching yourself how to move around on all fours is not instinctive and I’d like to see you try and figure out walking with six tails to distract you. I’m not a particularly graceful human and I’m somehow even more of a disaster as a vulpix.

  
Even I know that you’re not supposed to feel pain when you dream. I remember that much from those apparently not so ridiculous dream journals and I’d been hurt in other dreams without feeling any pain. Usually, I'm left with a vague sense that I knew pain should be there and yet never came. There are other ways to check I suppose, but I feel like finding a person who will loan a book to an animal is unlikely at best. If I can even read the written language here, which is another long shot altogether. It would be fine if this particular dream took place in the world of Pokémon. Then I would only have to worry about a society based on animal fighting, slavery and the dangers a kids show would never touch on. But no, my self-sabotaging self decided that this particular dream would be a crossover. Surprise, surprise it wasn’t going well.

  
Not only am I a magical creature in a place that feared magic, I’m not even human anymore. Can’t exactly walk up to someone and ask if they could help a girl out because her village has lost its idiot and she would very much like to go home now. Well I could, but the chance they would understand me is slim to none. One out of ten would not recommend the experience to anyone else. The fact that I am now an adorable ice monster is enough of a consolation that I’ve yet to have the break down I can feel creeping up on me. Nice to know that trying to outrun existential dread remains on the checklist of life regardless of what world I find myself in.

  
How is someone supposed to survive Thedas as a vulpix? No really, I have no idea. I’m open to any and all suggestions that don’t include death or pain of any kind. Now would be a great time for some one to pop out and claim godhood because I’m down to convert if I could get a how to guide for idiots on surviving bullshit. One soul for a cheat guide please and thank you.


	2. Still Here Unfortunately

Unfortunately, no gods showed up. Which, why not? I just offered up some of the best of what I have to offer and not a single taker took me up on it. They missed out on a perfectly good soul. I laid it all out on the table and nothing. Honestly, one of the most unrealistic things to happen so far. Not even a demon popped up or a spirit wondering who the heck is making all this racket in the fade.

Instead I’ve found a person, and have decided that life as a pet is so much better than trying to figure it out on my own. I mean I tried to rough it out on my own okay. Back when I was convinced that this was all just a really fucked up dream. But I kept freezing everything solid and there was no way I was going to eat that nug. It just sat there mocking me with its creepy little hands. The bastard. A girl can only eat so many berries you know? I don't even know what I can and can't eat as a vulpix. It's a lot of stress for someone with one working brain cell at any point in time.

It was more than a little strange to meet the character I remember designing on my computer but Herah Adaar was just as gentle a lady as I created and any sense of familiarity I could find was worth holding onto. But, now that my chances of survival are looking better other fears have taken their place. Like, what if Herah is doomed to die? The fear that she might not be the inquisitor is a constant cloud hanging over my head that refuses to leave. It should start paying me rent with how long it’s stayed with me.

Would it be better to try and prevent my precious savior from becoming the world’s savior? But then who would be inquisitor instead? What if no one is there to stop the ritual and the world ends? This is too much pressure for a girl to handle and I’ve worked in customer service during the dreaded Black Friday shifts. Every good self insert has a plan right? Right. So I should have one that consists of more than just spending the rest of my life hiding behind Herah. No matter how nice and gentle she is, I’m a grown woman/vulpix and I can save myself. Usually.

Except right now I have to work around the lack of opposable thumbs, or a way to communicate, or understand more than just common. Alright so things aren’t looking too good, but that’s never stopped me before. God damn I knew 2020 was bad, but never in my worst nightmares did I think it would attack me personally. What did I do to deserve this shit show? Whatever. Nothing to do now other than survive. When I meet my maker they best believe that we will be having words. The worst I’ve ever done is plagiarism and illegally download music. Nothing so terrible as to warrant this bullshit.


	3. I'm New In Town And It Gets Worse

Somehow with all the worrying I've done over possible plans and chances of survival, I overlooked one key piece of information. Haven is filled with overzealous chantry assholes. I know, I know, how do I forget that Adaar would be employed by the budding inquisition? You don't and I couldn't. Believe me I tried. However, in my own defense, denial is all I have left as far as coping strategies go. So here I was worrying over my chances of survival, the inevitable destruction of the world and how that may affect me along side figuring out just how much I was capable of as a vulpix. What I should have been doing with my ever dwindling time is trying to figure out a way to avoid being killed by magic hating chantry members and their templars.

But I didn't and so we resort to plan B. I'm gonna wing it. Honestly, this is going to be a day by day attempt to survive. The best thing to look forward to are little goals that can be easily accomplished. Like making sure Adaar gives me chin scratches by the end of the day. Simple enough to do without any threats to my continued survival. I never understood my cat's obsession with it until now. I really hope that in the unlikely event that I ever return to normal, this experience doesn't awaken anything in me. I'd like to be returned to the normal amount of weird without any added Pokémon instincts sticking around. 

My newest opponents in my battle to survive are the citizens of Haven. The audacity of these people to take one look at the splendor and overwhelming cuteness that is an alolan vulpix and to immediately try to kill me. No one has even attempted to pet me or run their fingers through the luxurious curls on my head. What is the point of all this cuteness if it doesn't make people love me? Does no one here have a soft spot for tiny foxes? So the nugs are good enough for Orlesions, but I am considered a demon? Lies and slander. I demand to speak with whoever runs the public relations for those creatures because there is no way creepy hands beat pink toe beans. There is just no way. Stupid nugs. They continue to mock me.

It's not all bad I suppose. Since I am the only one who knows what a vulpix is in this world, I can make the rules for my species. Obviously, limiting myself to only four moves would be a near death sentence. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean I instinctively know how to use my new powers. Thus began my attempts at experimenting that took the form of not so harmless pranks. I've decided to weaponize my spite and anxiety and aim them out towards the people I hate. When a Chantry mother made the nice elf woman that slips me scraps cry, I hit her with confuse ray and watched her trip into the waste pits later that day. A creepy templar tried to corner one of the mages so I used sheer cold against him and watched him go down. I've taken to using mist to give myself and the people who need it a chance to make a clean get away. If nothing else, these people are good for target practice. 

I may be small, but I have more than enough spite in my body to ruin people's lives. Adaar tries to be stern and curb my more malicious actions, but she hasn't really tried to stop me. One of the chantry sisters called her an ox whore and I lost control. In the games, ice shard isn't that deadly. When you use it against a person, well lets just say that the only reason I've yet to kill anyone is because Adaar picked me up and shifted my aim. Those shards left deep holes in the pole behind the sister and we haven't seen her since. I'm going to have to stay hidden for a while. No pranks for the next week or so.


	4. The Breach

Shit just got real and things only get harder from here. Adaar survived her unfortunate foray into heroism and has now been rebranded from dangerous terrorist to holy figure. There was only so much I could do to protect her while she was down for the count. Let's be real here, magical or not I'm all of two feet tall and 30 pounds. If someone really wanted to stop me a good kick is all it would take. I'm not exactly what anyone would consider a frontal assault type. Luckliy, the Inquisition is good at their job and I've only had to stop one assassin. The look of confusion on his face as I used quick attack to push him right back out the door into the guards arms was hilarious. I can now say that vulpix giggles are just as adorable as I thought they would be. 

Herah was just as happy to see me pop my head into her cabin as I was to see her awake. You best believe that I threw myself into her arms and refused to leave until I had been properly worshiped in the form of kisses, chin scratches and embarrassingly high pitched compliments. With Herah back on her feet I was free to introduce myself to the powers that be without fear of death. I at least had a chance of surviving a meeting now that she was available to vouch for me. Now that my person is back on her feet, the Inquisition has her running this way and that. She doesn't take me with her on her trips outside Haven and so I'm left trying to find ways of amusing myself while she's gone. 

There was a slight hiccup in the beginning where Cullen and Cassandra tried to kill me. Herah asked Solas to come in and provide an alibi for me after the two warriors failed to find any trace of magic on my person. I don't think I've ever seen the prideful egg look so stumped before. As far as he could tell I'm a spirit that somehow gave myself a physical form. Not completely wrong, just not entirely right either. He smells so strange. I look at him and see an elf, but all I can smell is wolf. I didn't even know that I knew what wolf smelled like. He uses his magic when he pets me and it feels amazing. How am I supposed to hate the big bad when he gives good pets and tells better stories? The fact I've yet to be kidnapped or possessed is a miracle in and of itself if I'm so easy to befriend. Stupid bald eggs with their pretty voices and warm magic. Every attempt made to distance myself from the stubborn old wolf has failed and at this point I've given up. 

On the bright side, Josephine has developed the wonderful habit of carrying me around whenever she isn't busy doing her very important diplomat work. I know I shouldn't but I really hope Herah sweeps the Antivan princess off her feet. We marry rich and we'll be set for life Herah. There is the added benefit that she's genuinely a nice person. The fact that she could convince a person to donate the clothes their wearing before they realize what they've agreed to is also a considerable benefit. The wonderful woman has decided on the sensible choice of weaponizing my cuteness to sway important people to our side. I may as well be the unofficial mascot of the Inquisition. All I need now is a cute little bandana of my own with the Inquisition symbol. Really sell the fact that I am not to be killed. Anything that ensures my continued survival sounds good to me. The number of treats I receive in a single day is enough of a bribery to keep myself behaved. If the occasional unfortunate victim finds themselves covered in frost then they shouldn't have been a dick.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just having fun with this. So if there is anything you think might be fun to read let me know. This isn't meant to be taken seriously. I've read a lot of fics about MGIT changing forms and I figured I'd take that one step further.


End file.
